How all of America Hates Juan Pablo

The Bachelor finale was this Monday night, and although I'm pretty sure it only took 10 minutes to dump one girl and give a rose to the other, this got drawn out into a 3 hour special. Smooth move ABC.

We've been telling you for a while now about the disappointment that is Juan Pablo, and it seems that this week all of America was united in hating him, but I live in Detroit now and we like to be hipsters so now that hating him is popular, I kind of love him all over again. Let me essplain why:

In the final episode, Juan Pablo has to choose between Clare and Nikki. We've liked Nikki from the beginning (because she is a nurse like Ashley!), but in the end it almost feels like she is too smart for this guy who clearly only cares about his daughter, sports, and being attractive. Clare, on the other hand, is super stupid, like, dumb enough to have sex in the ocean on national television, so maybe they could be a perfect match until they break up a month after the final rose? In a fun little plot twist, these two women also hate each other. It's funny how they didn't become best friends in a show that makes dating a competition between women...

Remember that time they had this awkward fight over nothing?

So the episode shows each woman meeting JP's family in St. Lucia (the whole family gets a free trip?? Jealous.), and JP's cousin with braces warns each woman of their boyfriends commitment issues. So that bodes well. Camilla continues to steal the show by being ADORABLE and her little cousin is super cute, too so basically JP for a second has won our hearts again by reminding us that he is a hot Venezuelan single dad. Don't worry though, we'll turn on him soon.

JP shows us a big diamond ring that probably came free from the jeweler, and Clare gets on a boat to go meet him, which seems like a poor idea because we just saw her curling her hair and doing her make-up and boats are usually windy and not conducive to looking like a barbie. She is all smiles and arched eyebrows when she goes to meet him in the middle of some forest on this tropical island and then... HE DUMPS HER. And makes the mistake of trying to hug her, which she rejects. The studio audience cheers for the woman who was previously the most hated contestant as she yells at the man who was previously an adored bachelor because apparently we thought he should have told her earlier he didn't want to marry her, but wouldn't that defeat the purpose of the show? Clare storms away as well as she can in heels in the tropics, and Chris Harrison and the studio audience wonder what will become of JP. Also, Clare is sent away in a boat which is much crappier than the one she rode over in. Just to really make sure she understands that she lost.

When you put your life on TV, it's easy to find ugly shots of you, Clare

Nikki also crosses over on a boat to Juan Pablo and walks carefully toward him in a dress with a really high slit. Like, her whole leg is showing and I'm concerned she might flash us more. When she gets to JP she tells him she loves him again and he doesn't say he loves her back, but instead tells her that he cannot propose because he isn't 100% sure and her dad told him not to. So that big old diamond was just a quick product placement, and instead he just gives her a rose and asks if she'll go out with him in a normal way and she says yes. Kisses are shared. The end.

See that slit?? So high.

Except it's not really the end! Because this episode was shot three (four?) months ago, and now we have to get the opinions of Sean and Catherine, Des and Chris, Sharleen and her buddies, and most importantly Chris Harrison. He interviews Clare in the "After the Final Rose" special and she gets a lot of cheers for being pissed at JP. He should never have led her on, she says. I'm not sure how else he wanted her to act on a dating show where there's one guy and 27 women, because she then tells Chris she doesn't even want to see JP and has nothing else to say. Bye Clare.

Nikki comes out and some people might think she's pregnant but she's probably not and she waves to her BFFs Sharleen and Kelly and then tells Chris and America that life is good and she still loves JP and is excited to see him because I guess for 3/4 months they've had to have a secret long distance relationship. JP joins her on the couch and is immediately asked if he loves her. He won't answer, which, if I'm Nikki, I appreciate, because I haven't seen my boyfriend in 3/4 months and I really don't want him to confess his love in front of a live audience and a million cameras. But Chris Harrison is not Nikki, and he is not OK with this. So he continues to badger JP and force him to say "I Love You" in order to appease the fans of the show. Nikki, for the record, is totally OK with him not saying it yet.

How Chris feels when his questions don't get answered

So here's the part where I'll tell you why I like Juan Pablo and Nikki even better now. They seem actually to recognize how absurd the show is and how it isn't real life and it isn't an accurate way to actually get to know a potential life partner. JP is really pumped to finish recording and have a real life and a real relationship. So while I still think that they will probably break up really soon, I am glad that they aren't pretending to get married in the meantime. Also, I feel like it's not fair that all the women on the show get to talk about how sexy Juan Pablo is and it's OK for them to like him for superficial reasons but he's not allowed to be like, "Hey Clare, I think you're really hot but that's about it." It turns out he is exactly what we all thought he was: a hot Latino with a daughter. He really is just being honest.

This combination of man and baby is weird.

I went to bed around this point, but I hear that at the end of the 3-hour-special they announced the new Bachelorette, and (big surprise), it's Andi. She practically campaigned for it, and I wonder how she ever got through law school if she is dumb enough to put her life on TV. Get ready for people to hate you Andi, because that's what we like to do with famous people.

I'm not really sure what this picture is...

Well, now this blog will go back to being just our real lives. I hope you keep reading it, Amy!