How To Turn Your Roommate Into Your Best Friend And/Or Henchwoman

Allow us to present you with a hypothetical situation. In this hypothetical situation, you are a typical suburban housewife. You have the two kids, the husband, the mini-van with the little stick figure family in the back window—life is good. Then, gradually, you begin to feel uneasy in your own home. There’s this constant nagging feeling that someone is watching you, even when there’s no one there. There’s a funny smell that you just catch a vague whiff of once in a while. You’re pretty sure that there was more organic, all-natural peanut butter (you’re a health conscious mother, in this scenario) in the jar last night than there is this morning. The final straw is when you think you hear noises coming through the air vents, even though your whole family is in the living room watching Full House together. You call the police. They do a search of your house and discover that a drunk vagrant has set up shop in your attic, and he’s probably been there for months without you noticing. In fact, the police tell you, he’s been living there for so long that he now has a legal right to inhabit your attic, and you’re just going to have to deal with it because he’s not leaving.

New roommate is excited to move out of his boxcar and into your attic!

Surprise! That hobo is exactly like getting a roommate in college. You’re not really sure you want them around, they steal your food, and they probably don’t shower often enough. You certainly didn’t get to pick them. Regardless, you’re now going to have to find some way to get along with one another, because the police told you so.

This is where we come in. We were successful roommates for four years (like, in the same room roommates, so suck on that) and we have lots of helpful tips on how to make things go smoothly. Let’s get started!

Meeting a new roommate can be
as awkward as this picture

1. Make a bad first impression. This sounds counter-intuitive, but it really helps. There are plenty of ways to make a bad first impression on your roommate. When she tries to friend you on Facebook, ignore her friend request for long enough that she starts to sweat a little. Send her emails that make you sound like an idiot—like, maybe you can tell her about that time that you accidentally crossed the border into Canada without even having your drivers’ license on you. Be really crabby on the day you first move into the dorms. It’s all about setting the bar really low going into your initial in-person encounter. That way, it’s all uphill from there! Even if you have annoying habits, she’ll just be thankful that you don’t suck as much as she thought at first. Plus, if you end up being friends, you’ll have lots of fun stories to laugh about and tell people in the future.

2. Ask the tough questions. It's natural to be curious about the person you are about to share a room and a mini-fridge with. All roommates inevitably learn some small facts about each other, e.g. family background, weird eating habits, and favorite music. To have a really successful roommate-ship, though, you have to dig deeper. You can learn a lot by asking, for example, "If you could be any black woman for a day, who would you pick and why?" or "Code Blue?" An average roommate knows your eye color, a good roommate knows your dog's name, but a great roommate knows which hockey player you plan to marry. Questions can lead to equally heated debates on which post-colonial African president was the best or which Bachelor contestant is the craziest. Understanding your roomtart's interests can only bring you closer together (unless you hate his/her interests, then you're probably screwed.)
3. Say what's on your mind. Sometimes, being honest about what you're thinking can be really hard. After all, even if you have a big blow-up confrontation, you still have to live with that person, and then you run the risk of having them pee in your favorite shoes or something. Still, it's good to air things out. If you just silently fume about all of the little things that bother you, they'll just build up until you can't stand each other anymore, and that's no fun. So, if your roommate makes borscht in your carpeted kitchen and then leaves all of the million dishes, just politely ask him/her to do them! If her drunk cousins and his friends are loudly playing beer pong on your porch while you want to sleep, just tell them to shut up! (Let's be real, she's too drunk to really remember how you phrased it in the morning, so this time you don't have to be as polite.) And if she gets all uppity about going to study in North Quad, feel free to put that girl in her place.

Salmonella is for the weak

4. Bake together. I don't mean this in a marijuana related way, although this might also be a bonding experience. Better than any drug is the magic of brownies. There's a special form of communion created when you gather with your roomsicle(s) over a steaming pan of barely cooked desserts with nothing but spoons and the love you share. Some roommates have made the mistake of taking a box of brownie mix and following all of the directions. This is wrong. Once you know how much oil and eggs to add, throw that box away. Actually recycle it, because global climate change is real. Brownies/cakes/cookies not meant to be solid. Healthy roommate relationships are formed over hot, liquid desserts that represent the warm love that flows between two individuals.

Always be sure to look your best
for your events. Also,note that a good hench
woman allows you to ride on her back.

5. Invent Holidays and Events. If you live according to a normal calendar where your birthday only comes once a year and the holidays are few and far between, your life is a travesty. Celebrate half birthdays, quarter birthdays, 5/6 birthdays, the fact that Taylor lives here, June Day (Best Day), host an event called Dinner., have an ugly sweater party, have a toga party at which someone will bite lime and then be upset about it. Celebrations are happy, so many celebrations means you will have a happy household! And if you can somehow con the pre-med frat at your university into thinking that hosting parties at your house is a good idea, then life is all the better. They will bring the alcohol and you can steal a gallon of vodka, which you can later add Skittles to so you can taste the rainbow. (Which is kind of like baking. Look at how our tips correlate with one another!) Anyway, the point is, celebrate everything--including the fact that your roommate is awesome!

6. Have secrets. There is nothing that brings people together more than leaving other people out. Is that mean? Well we never said friendship was nice. To solidify your one-of-a-kind relationship with your roommate(s), it's important to have many inside jokes and perhaps even a secret language so that in a large group, it is clear that your friendship is better than everyone else's. This is a tricky step in the bonding process for several reasons. One, you cannot force a good secret. Work your way up to it in conversation (this goes along with asking questions) until your roommate is eventually spilling their guts to you and you alone. Also, sharing these special moments and memories will make people jealous of you, which is a good thing, but you don't want them to hate you. Good roommates have other friends, too, and these are the people you complain about your roommate to. The secret codes and knowing looks shared between roommates in a group setting must be kept to a minimum. Unless the roommates are in a group of people they don't much care for, in which case you should ignore everyone else and be really weird together, perhaps making drunken snowflakes or dancing by yourselves.

Happiness guaranteed

It is natural to be nervous when you get assigned a roommate for college, find a stranger to live with on Craig's list, or inevitably are forced to cohabitate with the smelly peanut butter thief in your attic. With these simple directions, though, all that awkwardness will quickly transform itself in the cocoon of your small shared space into a beautiful friendship that will last a lifetime, or at least until your youngest child turns 18 and your roommate is no longer bound in service to you as a live in nanny.

You're welcome ♥ Taylor & Christine