The Lord of the Roses

So the next stop on our journey to love is New Zealand. Andi reminds us she's never had a one-on-one, and she gets one this week! JP is all about fairness, as we saw last week when he had sex with Claire in the ocean while the other women lay sound asleep in their hotel. 

Before the date even starts, Renee gets her counselor on by listening to Cassandra's problems. Fun fact about Cassandra, her baby daddy is a pistons player. Fun fact about the pistons, they fired their coach this week. Look at all the valuable information this blog provides!

 

Moms wear red?

Anyway, Andi is a lawyer, apparently already a district attorney at age 26, which makes me question whether she earned that... Whatever, I guess all my knowledge of the DA office comes from Batman so I shouldn't doubt her. 

For their date, they go on a boat and it looks cold. Then they go swimming, and it's definitely cold. Naturally, the date is a test to see whether or not Andi is capable of trusting the man she is dating who is also dating 7 other women, so they crawl through crevices and she is not allowed to know where they're going or whether death awaits her on the other side. My house has decided there is probably a 110 pound wait limit for women on this show so that they will definitely be able to fit through these tight spaces to make it to love. Once they are done walking through water, they make out in a waterfall. The night portion of the date is at Te Puia, is that Spanish? They eat dinner in front of a geyser, and JP makes a pun that the geyser will "blow her mind." The geyser does, in fact, blow. It's a picture of romance. They get soaked and must escape, but I'm sure everyone on this show is on starvation diet anyway so the food is no loss. 

Before the date finishes, we find out who is on the group date: Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Renee, and Nikki. Claire is thrilled (and annoying) about knowing she has another one-on-one date. 

Andi's date ends with a rose and learning to count kisses in Spanish. Uneventful but cute. I def. think she is a front runner. Their chemistry is "bursting through" (that's a geyser zeugma).

The group date is another good challenge to test each woman's limits in a way that is super relevant to married life and eternal love: picnic followed by rolling around in giant hamster balls! Maybe he wanted to see who would be the cutest throwing up? Bikinis are required for this activity, and two people can fit in one ball so that each woman can roll around with their shared man, one at a time or even in a two to one ratio. The women really like it, and the hamster balls are conducive to private kisses. 

Pet peeve about this date, Cassandra keeps calling JP Juan, which is not okay because his whole family is named Juan-Something, and she really needs to specify the Pablo part. Also it is her 22 birthday on this date. It doesn't look nearly as fun as my 22 birthday...

The best part of this date is dinner in HOBBITON!! Sharleen is excited, because she is my homegirl and a total nerd as well as beautiful and classy. In his individual time with the ladies, JP tells the moms they're his special ones. He also kisses everyone. Renee is really close to saying I love you, I think. Nikki tries to be open with her feelings and blah blah she is falling for him and it's scary. 

A reminder of what Nikki looks like

Sharleen and JP basically only have physical chemistry at this point. Their conversations make me uncomfortable. JP tries to reassure her but it doesn't seem to work as well as on other women (aka Andi who he was able to convince to pose naked). Cassandra gets to blow out a candle for her birthday, but not a candle on a cake because she probably doesn't eat cake. She then gets alone time with Juan and feels good about it. Chelsie and Kat don't get much air time, probably because they're boring. 

Kat is annoying

Chelsie is whatever

Sharleen gets the group date rose and JP pulls Cassandra away afterward, which makes me feel a lot like he's sending her home!! Which I am right. They are in a different chapter so he sends her home to her son. She takes it like a champ. 

Claire gets her date and I can already tell it's going to be stupid to watch. She is still super dwelling on drama from last week. Get over it. She is trying to make a turtle shell metaphor and it's stupid. So they talk on the beach about past indiscretions way too long. Claire makes a good point when she decides this whole dating on tv thing is about her, too, so she needs to decide if he is a good fit for her. She seems to decide yes, they kiss a lot because that's a thing they do. The date is actually super lame. Dinner is equally boring. If I wanted to see people est dinner on a couch I'd watch any American family through the windows while the Olympics are on. Claire likes to pause a kit in her speech so you might be tricked into thinking it's insightful, but I'm not fooled. She's a class A idiot. (Maybe she's a nice person in real life. If so, I apologize Claire and advise you to present yourself less abnoxiously on tv). JP thinks she's super hot. I'm not into it. He gives her the date rose while they cuddle in sweat pants. 

An observation about New Zealand: they drive a lot of hummer-like vehicles. 

Chris also gets some alone time with our bachelor. It must be nice to be Chris Harrison. He travels a lot but doesn't have to make an ass of himself on tv by dating a million people or competing for one person. 

The rose ceremony is the time when Juan Pablo uses his tongue to discern who he should wife up. I'd like to think he also asks these women questions about their family, friends, and interests. Maybe the producers just cut that out because it's not as sexy. But really seeing non-actors kiss is more awkward than sexy. Next season we should hire hot actors to date the bachelorette Jak Gyllenhaal anyone?

Anywho, roses. Sharleen, Andi, and Claire already have them. Since Cassandra already left, only one more woman has to go. Nikki gets a rose. Renee gets a rose. It's down to Kat and Chelsie.....

Chelsie gets the rose! Bye bye Kat. You're sad story about your drunk dad wasn't good enough, but we wish you all the best. You will dance your way into another heart in no time. 

Finally, the episode ends with the scene we've been teased with every commercial break: Sharleen saying she needs to leave. She's confused. She feels guilty. What will she do??

Probably wondering, "How did this become my life?"

Well all the teasers were misleading. She doesn't leave, deciding instead to give it one more try. But we do find out next week is in Miami!

Much love Amykins! I hope we aren't crushing your spirits by revealing that Juan Pablo is not such a catch after all. You'll have to find a different Latin lover down in Santiago.