How all of America Hates Juan Pablo

The Bachelor finale was this Monday night, and although I'm pretty sure it only took 10 minutes to dump one girl and give a rose to the other, this got drawn out into a 3 hour special. Smooth move ABC.

We've been telling you for a while now about the disappointment that is Juan Pablo, and it seems that this week all of America was united in hating him, but I live in Detroit now and we like to be hipsters so now that hating him is popular, I kind of love him all over again. Let me essplain why:

In the final episode, Juan Pablo has to choose between Clare and Nikki. We've liked Nikki from the beginning (because she is a nurse like Ashley!), but in the end it almost feels like she is too smart for this guy who clearly only cares about his daughter, sports, and being attractive. Clare, on the other hand, is super stupid, like, dumb enough to have sex in the ocean on national television, so maybe they could be a perfect match until they break up a month after the final rose? In a fun little plot twist, these two women also hate each other. It's funny how they didn't become best friends in a show that makes dating a competition between women...

Remember that time they had this awkward fight over nothing?

So the episode shows each woman meeting JP's family in St. Lucia (the whole family gets a free trip?? Jealous.), and JP's cousin with braces warns each woman of their boyfriends commitment issues. So that bodes well. Camilla continues to steal the show by being ADORABLE and her little cousin is super cute, too so basically JP for a second has won our hearts again by reminding us that he is a hot Venezuelan single dad. Don't worry though, we'll turn on him soon.

JP shows us a big diamond ring that probably came free from the jeweler, and Clare gets on a boat to go meet him, which seems like a poor idea because we just saw her curling her hair and doing her make-up and boats are usually windy and not conducive to looking like a barbie. She is all smiles and arched eyebrows when she goes to meet him in the middle of some forest on this tropical island and then... HE DUMPS HER. And makes the mistake of trying to hug her, which she rejects. The studio audience cheers for the woman who was previously the most hated contestant as she yells at the man who was previously an adored bachelor because apparently we thought he should have told her earlier he didn't want to marry her, but wouldn't that defeat the purpose of the show? Clare storms away as well as she can in heels in the tropics, and Chris Harrison and the studio audience wonder what will become of JP. Also, Clare is sent away in a boat which is much crappier than the one she rode over in. Just to really make sure she understands that she lost.

When you put your life on TV, it's easy to find ugly shots of you, Clare

Nikki also crosses over on a boat to Juan Pablo and walks carefully toward him in a dress with a really high slit. Like, her whole leg is showing and I'm concerned she might flash us more. When she gets to JP she tells him she loves him again and he doesn't say he loves her back, but instead tells her that he cannot propose because he isn't 100% sure and her dad told him not to. So that big old diamond was just a quick product placement, and instead he just gives her a rose and asks if she'll go out with him in a normal way and she says yes. Kisses are shared. The end.

See that slit?? So high.

Except it's not really the end! Because this episode was shot three (four?) months ago, and now we have to get the opinions of Sean and Catherine, Des and Chris, Sharleen and her buddies, and most importantly Chris Harrison. He interviews Clare in the "After the Final Rose" special and she gets a lot of cheers for being pissed at JP. He should never have led her on, she says. I'm not sure how else he wanted her to act on a dating show where there's one guy and 27 women, because she then tells Chris she doesn't even want to see JP and has nothing else to say. Bye Clare.

Nikki comes out and some people might think she's pregnant but she's probably not and she waves to her BFFs Sharleen and Kelly and then tells Chris and America that life is good and she still loves JP and is excited to see him because I guess for 3/4 months they've had to have a secret long distance relationship. JP joins her on the couch and is immediately asked if he loves her. He won't answer, which, if I'm Nikki, I appreciate, because I haven't seen my boyfriend in 3/4 months and I really don't want him to confess his love in front of a live audience and a million cameras. But Chris Harrison is not Nikki, and he is not OK with this. So he continues to badger JP and force him to say "I Love You" in order to appease the fans of the show. Nikki, for the record, is totally OK with him not saying it yet.

How Chris feels when his questions don't get answered

So here's the part where I'll tell you why I like Juan Pablo and Nikki even better now. They seem actually to recognize how absurd the show is and how it isn't real life and it isn't an accurate way to actually get to know a potential life partner. JP is really pumped to finish recording and have a real life and a real relationship. So while I still think that they will probably break up really soon, I am glad that they aren't pretending to get married in the meantime. Also, I feel like it's not fair that all the women on the show get to talk about how sexy Juan Pablo is and it's OK for them to like him for superficial reasons but he's not allowed to be like, "Hey Clare, I think you're really hot but that's about it." It turns out he is exactly what we all thought he was: a hot Latino with a daughter. He really is just being honest.

This combination of man and baby is weird.

I went to bed around this point, but I hear that at the end of the 3-hour-special they announced the new Bachelorette, and (big surprise), it's Andi. She practically campaigned for it, and I wonder how she ever got through law school if she is dumb enough to put her life on TV. Get ready for people to hate you Andi, because that's what we like to do with famous people.

I'm not really sure what this picture is...

Well, now this blog will go back to being just our real lives. I hope you keep reading it, Amy!

The Women Tell All (or Cling to Their Last Moments of Fame)

The Bachelor is getting close to the end, and that means my favorite episode: "The Women Tell All." I think it's funny how they now decide to start calling them all women, because throughout the rest of the show they are just girls. Like, "Hi, I'm Claire and am 32 years old. But I still consider myself a girl and get in catty fights with Nikki, another girl, and our shared boyfriend thinks we are all girls, just like his 4 year-old daughter." As Reba might say, these are grown-ass women. Also girls dating men is illegal.
Well, anyway, Chris Harrison welcomes us all like we are old friends and then we get to be reminded of the people that left super early in the season. Some, like Victoria, we will never forget (because she got drunk and locked herself in a bathroom). Others, like this chick, we think may have just snuck on the set for this one episode.

Oh now I remember, you cried the first episode.

To start with, all the women jump on the Andi bandwagon and say how self-centered JP is and how he never really got to know them. Finally, Kelly has had enough of that, and she's all, "Gurl please, you never had any problem with Juan Pablo when you were in the house. Stop playing." Not that Kelly is defending JP, she later asks him why he hates gays. Turns out he said some dumb things in an interview once. To be honest, I care very little about Juan Pablo's opinions on social and political issues, and I doubt that he's much of an activist about anything. 

But this leads us to another common theme of the night, which is the women accusing JP of using his language barrier as an excuse for being rude. Victoria grew up speaking Portuguese, and she feels that it's not that hard to become quickly fluent in another language. Maybe Amy or Rachael can back her up on that? I find it pretty difficult so I guess I'm stupid.

I kept wondering how uncomfortable it would be to sit like this for several hours

So pretty early in the show we establish that these women are not members of the JP fan club. They also think he wasn't fair because he treated the moms differently, and kept telling Renee he couldn't kiss her and then turning around and having sex swimming with Claire in the ocean. But Renee was defending him. She thinks he was very respectful and really improved her dating self-esteem, so much so that she is now "in a

Renee and "The Situation"

situation," which I think means she has a boyfriend and is unrelated to Mike from Jersey Shore. So that probably leaves her out of the running for next Bachelorette. Good thing, because as much as I like her, she'd be way boring.

Besides Renee, the other women who got the most attention/ had little interviews with Chris Harrison were Andi and Sharleen. Also the two women who left the show voluntarily. Sharleen was beautiful as always. I think I'm developing a crush on her. But she would also be a boring Bachelorette because you gotta have more crazy on the show than I think she could contribute. Also I'm not sure she'd want to be on it. I have a theory that she still likes JP (she was defending him all night and they had some serious eye contact when he came out), so maybe she will take him as her Latin lover for a while. 

Andi, on the other hand, is clearly vying for the next Bachelorette season. She made sure to let us all know she is still single but believes in "that great love," which is just as weird of a phrase as "grown sexy." I think Lucy secretly wants to be on it, too. Remember her? She's a professional free spirit. That's not even the weirdest occupation I've ever seen on this show.

This is the weirdest job title.

After the women tell all, Juan Pablo comes out and they tell him all, basically attacking him. He says it's okay a lot, which is his catch phrase. He also says he has no regrets. Probably because no matter how the show ends up, he will be rich and can just go find some other women to date.

Next week, we get to see the Final Rose...... Who will it be?? Nikki? Claire? Or will Sharleen come back and steal his heart? Taking predictions in the comments section below!

Taylor doesn't love Amy enough to watch The Bachelor

I'll be honest with you: this season of The Bachelor is not that fun to watch. This is, of course, no excuse for Taylor to slack on her duties just because she has a life. Luckily, I've got a lot of time on my hands, so I'll cover for you with a short recap of this week's episode.

Andi + Nikki forever

This was the last week before hometown dates, so the women are pretty antsy. Remember, we have Sharleen, Andi, Nikki, Renee, Claire, and Chelsie left. We learned through this episode that Nikki and Andi are really good friends, and Nikki and Claire are really good enemies.
Obviously we are all on team Nikki there, because she may be a bitch but she's a funny one, and her eyebrows are not in a perpetually surprised face.
Sharleen got the first one-on-one in Miami, and repeatedly questioned whether or not she should be on the show anymore because it just didn't feel organic. She and JP like to kiss a lot, though, so it was hard for her to be sure if she should leave. Their date was on a yacht, and cuddling on deck seemed to be the main activity. After the date, Sharleen came back to the hotel and opened up to Renee, who told her that time means nothing and she should know by know whether or not she loves JP. Typically I like Renee's counseling style but this was pretty stupid.
The group date is with Renee, Claire, Chelsie, and Andi. They do things that I can't remember, I think on a beach, but the important thing about this date is there is a rose (there isn't one on the one-on-one dates), and whoever gets the rose moves forward to the night part of the date and the rest go home. Andi wins, and she and JP go dancing to Latin music in Miami. Turns out Andi is not a good dancer.

While the other women don't go dancing, they decide to be awkward in their hotel room. Nikki suspects they will say bad things about Andi, and she will not tolerate it so she leaves the awkward room. Claire thinks she has been disrespected so she chases her and they have an embarrassing girl fight. Two grown-ass women, supposedly ready to get married and help raise a child, and every other word out of their mouths is "like." TV doesn't get better than that.

Nikki's one-on-one date also involves dancing, because she goes to JP's daughter's dance recital. Camilla is super cute and speaks Spanish, which I know is just because she grew up speaking it but I am still really impressed. Also, JP's ex and Camilla's mom was there, she's a Venezuelan model. Try not to be intimidated Nikki-the-nurse-from-KansasCity.

 

Pretty cute

The rest of the date involved going to the Marlin's stadium where Juan Pablo "works" (we all know his full time job will be Bachelor publicity for the rest of his life). Nikki was wearing almost nothing which made me nervous for her to throw a baseball, but she managed to keep her boobs covered.

Back at the house, Sharleen sits everyone down (Nikki is home too) to say she is leaving. They pretend to be a little sad but are actually pumped because this makes their odds better. She then says goodbye to Juan Pablo, who is grateful for her honesty and is proving to be pretty good at comforting crying women. She leaves, and I will miss her because she is less annoying than everyone else. Not as much as I miss Kelly though, because that dog-lover was hilarious.

Kelly does a live commentary on twitter during the episode. So Funny.

Anyway the rose ceremony/cocktail party comes along. It's not too surprising that Chelsie is kicked off. JP cries saying goodbye to her and she tells him he is a great guy. In classic Bachelor style, she wonders in the limo when she will ever find love, because she is SO READY for it. Bye Chelsie.

The Lord of the Roses

So the next stop on our journey to love is New Zealand. Andi reminds us she's never had a one-on-one, and she gets one this week! JP is all about fairness, as we saw last week when he had sex with Claire in the ocean while the other women lay sound asleep in their hotel. 

Before the date even starts, Renee gets her counselor on by listening to Cassandra's problems. Fun fact about Cassandra, her baby daddy is a pistons player. Fun fact about the pistons, they fired their coach this week. Look at all the valuable information this blog provides!

 

Moms wear red?

Anyway, Andi is a lawyer, apparently already a district attorney at age 26, which makes me question whether she earned that... Whatever, I guess all my knowledge of the DA office comes from Batman so I shouldn't doubt her. 

For their date, they go on a boat and it looks cold. Then they go swimming, and it's definitely cold. Naturally, the date is a test to see whether or not Andi is capable of trusting the man she is dating who is also dating 7 other women, so they crawl through crevices and she is not allowed to know where they're going or whether death awaits her on the other side. My house has decided there is probably a 110 pound wait limit for women on this show so that they will definitely be able to fit through these tight spaces to make it to love. Once they are done walking through water, they make out in a waterfall. The night portion of the date is at Te Puia, is that Spanish? They eat dinner in front of a geyser, and JP makes a pun that the geyser will "blow her mind." The geyser does, in fact, blow. It's a picture of romance. They get soaked and must escape, but I'm sure everyone on this show is on starvation diet anyway so the food is no loss. 

Before the date finishes, we find out who is on the group date: Sharleen, Chelsie, Kat, Cassandra, Renee, and Nikki. Claire is thrilled (and annoying) about knowing she has another one-on-one date. 

Andi's date ends with a rose and learning to count kisses in Spanish. Uneventful but cute. I def. think she is a front runner. Their chemistry is "bursting through" (that's a geyser zeugma).

The group date is another good challenge to test each woman's limits in a way that is super relevant to married life and eternal love: picnic followed by rolling around in giant hamster balls! Maybe he wanted to see who would be the cutest throwing up? Bikinis are required for this activity, and two people can fit in one ball so that each woman can roll around with their shared man, one at a time or even in a two to one ratio. The women really like it, and the hamster balls are conducive to private kisses. 

Pet peeve about this date, Cassandra keeps calling JP Juan, which is not okay because his whole family is named Juan-Something, and she really needs to specify the Pablo part. Also it is her 22 birthday on this date. It doesn't look nearly as fun as my 22 birthday...

The best part of this date is dinner in HOBBITON!! Sharleen is excited, because she is my homegirl and a total nerd as well as beautiful and classy. In his individual time with the ladies, JP tells the moms they're his special ones. He also kisses everyone. Renee is really close to saying I love you, I think. Nikki tries to be open with her feelings and blah blah she is falling for him and it's scary. 

A reminder of what Nikki looks like

Sharleen and JP basically only have physical chemistry at this point. Their conversations make me uncomfortable. JP tries to reassure her but it doesn't seem to work as well as on other women (aka Andi who he was able to convince to pose naked). Cassandra gets to blow out a candle for her birthday, but not a candle on a cake because she probably doesn't eat cake. She then gets alone time with Juan and feels good about it. Chelsie and Kat don't get much air time, probably because they're boring. 

Kat is annoying

Chelsie is whatever

Sharleen gets the group date rose and JP pulls Cassandra away afterward, which makes me feel a lot like he's sending her home!! Which I am right. They are in a different chapter so he sends her home to her son. She takes it like a champ. 

Claire gets her date and I can already tell it's going to be stupid to watch. She is still super dwelling on drama from last week. Get over it. She is trying to make a turtle shell metaphor and it's stupid. So they talk on the beach about past indiscretions way too long. Claire makes a good point when she decides this whole dating on tv thing is about her, too, so she needs to decide if he is a good fit for her. She seems to decide yes, they kiss a lot because that's a thing they do. The date is actually super lame. Dinner is equally boring. If I wanted to see people est dinner on a couch I'd watch any American family through the windows while the Olympics are on. Claire likes to pause a kit in her speech so you might be tricked into thinking it's insightful, but I'm not fooled. She's a class A idiot. (Maybe she's a nice person in real life. If so, I apologize Claire and advise you to present yourself less abnoxiously on tv). JP thinks she's super hot. I'm not into it. He gives her the date rose while they cuddle in sweat pants. 

An observation about New Zealand: they drive a lot of hummer-like vehicles. 

Chris also gets some alone time with our bachelor. It must be nice to be Chris Harrison. He travels a lot but doesn't have to make an ass of himself on tv by dating a million people or competing for one person. 

The rose ceremony is the time when Juan Pablo uses his tongue to discern who he should wife up. I'd like to think he also asks these women questions about their family, friends, and interests. Maybe the producers just cut that out because it's not as sexy. But really seeing non-actors kiss is more awkward than sexy. Next season we should hire hot actors to date the bachelorette Jak Gyllenhaal anyone?

Anywho, roses. Sharleen, Andi, and Claire already have them. Since Cassandra already left, only one more woman has to go. Nikki gets a rose. Renee gets a rose. It's down to Kat and Chelsie.....

Chelsie gets the rose! Bye bye Kat. You're sad story about your drunk dad wasn't good enough, but we wish you all the best. You will dance your way into another heart in no time. 

Finally, the episode ends with the scene we've been teased with every commercial break: Sharleen saying she needs to leave. She's confused. She feels guilty. What will she do??

Probably wondering, "How did this become my life?"

Well all the teasers were misleading. She doesn't leave, deciding instead to give it one more try. But we do find out next week is in Miami!

Much love Amykins! I hope we aren't crushing your spirits by revealing that Juan Pablo is not such a catch after all. You'll have to find a different Latin lover down in Santiago. 

JP the whore

Fabric shopping!  Also the only pic I could find of their date.

It's week 5 on the Bachelor and FINALLY my favorite Renee gets a one-on-one!!  I know you all think Nikki is my favorite, and don't get me wrong Renee would be 100x better if she was a nurse but she clearly has the best personality.  Anyways they're in Vietnam, and JP takes Renee to a dress shop and she gets a dress made just for her!  She ends up wearing the dress to dinner later that night...I thought it would be weird and not fit well but it's actually pretty cute.  Other activities that they do include talking on a boat, eating in a restaurant with no other people (hope they got paid a lot to have no customers that night...), and wishing on these little colorful floating lanterns.  Renee is obsessed with wanting to kiss JP and it's pretty much all she talks about during the interview things, but he doesn't want Ben (her son) to think badly of her so he holds off, but she does get the rose.  Overall, I feel like I want Renee to win but also I think she's a little too good for JP (kind of like the Lesley/Sean situation...maybe I'll meet her in person after she loses too!).

"The kiss"

 And then the group date! (duh).  Everyone except Nikki and Renee are on it because they're the best and have a cute little pow wow back at the house.  JP takes the girls to a river and they go rowing in little circular bamboo boats.  He tells everyone to pick a partner, but since there's an odd number and everyone hates Clare, she gets to be with him so I guess good for her for being a friendless bitch.  JP and Clare's boat ends up "accidentally" getting stuck in the bushes and they fall behind, so JP takes this opportunity to make out with Clare.  Let's face it, he's kind of a slut.  The other girls aren't stupid and obviously they see this and hate it, but they're all pretty good sports about it.  Afterwards, they all go to a Vietnamese home and help pick stuff from the garden to have for dinner.  Of course Clare is a picky eater again and JP even makes a joke about it.  But....he's obsessed with her so he picks her first to talk to that night and takes her to his suite where they basically have sex in the pool with their bathing suits on.  Oh wait, turns out they ACTUALLY have sex in the ocean at 4am that night!  Next he talks to Sharleen who I already don't like but she loses even more points when she describes her date as "organic" and says she wants him to see her as a panda in a room full of brown bears....wtf?  He also kisses her....i don't know why he keeps doing this with the worst ones.  And he kisses Andi.  Guess that's the theme of this date.  And surprise Clare gets the rose. Ew.

She survived!

Time for Nikki's date.  JP makes her rope down this cave because the point of this show is to freak out your date til she cries.  Nikki eventually gets up the courage and you guessed it, they kiss.  So much for a good impression on Camila. I'm sure she'll understand why he had to kiss five women and have sex with one this week.  While the first cave, called Hell, was super creepy with weird objects, Nikki and JP go to another cave for dinner and it's really cute and romantic.  Also they talk about nursing, which I obviously love and I'm only 86 days from being done with nursing school!!!  Also, I think she might say she loves him soon.  She gets the rose!

Well the cocktail party was super beautiful with boats and lanterns and other pretty stuff.  Renee FINALLY gets her kiss yay!  And JP tells Clare that he regrets having sex in the ocean because of his daughter.  Umm obviously he's not that concerned about his daughter if he can afford to be away from her for 2 seasons of the Bachelor and kissing ultimately wins in the contest of attraction vs. Camila's affection.  Of course Clare cries and takes up all JP's time as usual.

Kelly, Alli, and Danielle go bye bye. 8 remain.  And the objective rankings are:
1. Renee
2. Nikki
3. Chelsie
4. Andi
5. Kat
6. Cassandra
7. Sharleen
8. Clare

Teeny Bean's turn next week!

Life in the Bachelor Lane

Hello everyone, and welcome to Week 4 of The Bachelor! It was quite a wild ride, so buckle in and hold onto your teeth. Juan Pablo started off the episode by announcing that they were all going to South Korea! How exciting! This seems a little bit early for an international trip to me, but maybe they're making an exception for Juan Pablo because he's foreign and they're confused about what that means for the rules about when to go abroad.

This is where Korea is, for those who are geographically challenged. South Korea is fine to go to, but you don't want to make a mistake and end up in North Korea on accident. Unless you bring Dennis Rodman with you.

The announcement that this week there would be two group dates and one solo date was also made. One of the group dates was announced first. This week, JP decided to split the group mostly into blondes and brunettes, and the blondes got the first date. Nikki, Kat, Cassandra, Chelsie, and some other people I don't remember went on this date. Nikki was upset about being on the group date because she doesn't have a sister and so naturally that means that she hates all women. The clue to the date was "POP," which led Cassandra to speculate that maybe they were going to make popcorn, but SURPRISE, actually they were learning how to dance with the K-Pop group 2ne1.

They are sort of like the Korean Spice Girls--from left to right: Brown, Goth, Technicolor, and Cutout Spice.

Juan Pablo claimed that K-Pop is taking over American, which must mean that this was filmed when "Gangnam Style" was popular, because I can't think of any other reason that he would make that comment. Anyway, the dancing was a source of upset to Nikki because she is not a good dancer, and this also added on to her general grumpiness. (Although, to be fair, I also would not want to be on a date that highlighted how completely uncoordinated I am.) Kat was super excited though. She said that she has been dancing since before she could even walk--she was doing the Worm as a baby, maybe? She bragged non-stop about what a good dancer she is and everyone ignored the fact that Cassandra used to be an NBA dancer and is also probably pretty good. Afterwards, the group went to a 2ne1 concert and got to dance onstage even though let's be real, none of the screaming fans of 2ne1 knew who Juan Pablo or any of the girls are.

They had the concert at a mall, leading my dad and I to argue about whether the concert was free or not. Please vote on this issue in order to help us solve the debate.

During the evening part of the date, Nikki threw shade all over Kat for being a fancy-pants show off dancer. Even though everyone agreed that Kat was annoying, for some reason they all banded together against Nikki and now everyone thinks that she is the Negative Nancy of the group. Kat was oblivious to all of this because she was off macking on JP at the time.

"Hi, I'm Nikki the elf fairy and I will mess you up if you dance too good."

In spite of the general consensus of the girls that Nikki was a downer, Juan Pablo is his own man, he makes his own opinions, and he gave Nikki the rose for the night, so she will live to see another week.

Next, we had the solo date--Sharleen got picked this week. In classic Sharleen style, she seemed remarkably un-excited about this. I mean, come on, the girl responded "...sure" when JP asked if she would accept the first impression rose. I can't decide if I like Sharleen. She's pretty much the first girl in Bachelor history to decide that she needs to get to know the bachelor before declaring her undying love for him, but also she's just really bland--which is ironic, because she made this big speech to Juan Pablo about how he is NOT bland and then had to explain to him what bland means.

Anyways, their date was fine, except for the minor speed bump of her having to awkwardly explain that she feels semi-uncomfortable with the fact that he has a daughter. She got a rose at the end of the night, too.

Sharleen sings opera, but did not wear this costume when she sang for JP on their date.

Finally, we had the second group date. This date was mostly the brown haired ladies--people I can remember include Renee, Lauren, Andi, Kelly, and Clare. They walked around in Seoul and just kind of investigated a market. Everyone agreed that Clare is really annoying and possessive of Juan Pablo. She also had a panic attack when they tried octopus--which, really? Octopus isn't even that weird of a food. They also went to one of those places where you stick your feet in water and little fish come and eat all of your dead skin. In a octopus v. dead foot skin challenge, I would eat octopus every time.

During the evening portion of the date, we got to see that while the blonde girls were mostly unwilling to trash talk about Kat, the brunettes were super willing to trash talk about Clare. Kelly and Andi did fun impersonations of Clare freaking out about the octopus. Then they immediately cut to Clare talking to Juan Pablo and saying, "Oh my God, I ate octopus!" which was pretty good editing if you ask me.

Juan Pablo had arbitrarily decided that he wasn't going to kiss anyone on this night, either because 1) There was someone specific he didn't want to kiss and thought it would be easier to just say he wasn't kissing anyone? or 2) He felt like being sadistic and making everyone freeaaaaak out about it. Either way, he shut down Renee and Lauren hardcore when they tried to kiss him, and then went ahead and kissed Clare anyway, AFTER she told him that the octopus had caused her to throw up in her mouth and then swallow it back down. WTH JP? She also started talking about her dad because apparently her dead father is her go-to conversation topic.

"Hi, I'm Clare, and the only things I talk about are my father and throw up."

At the end of this night, Andi got the rose. I like Andi, so I was satisfied that Juan Pablo's taste in women isn't 100% crap.

Finally, we had the cocktail party. All of the girls with roses agreed that they would back off and let the girls without roses get their crack at Juan Pablo, but then--scandal--Nikki talked to him anyway. This caused people to dislike her even more. She is quickly turning into the Tiara of this season. (Sorry, Ashley, I know you like her because she's a nurse.)

Nikki responded to all the haters with the same two things that all reality show villains say:

1) They are just threatened by me.
2) I'm not here to make friends.

Whatever, girl, I get you, but at least be original.

At the rose ceremony, Lauren and Elise went home. Bye-bye girls! My bets are that Danielle and Allison go home next because I literally don't think I've ever heard either of them talk.

Last but not least, Juan Pablo announced that they were leaving South Korea behind for Vietnam. We will see what happens there next week!

I'm sensing an Asian theme.

Wine in a heart mug is the best way to watch

So I'm a day late watching this, because yesterday I had to go to a banquet for mlk. It was a very grown up thing to do, because I am a very grown up person. 

The bachelor episode starts with all the "coming up on this episode," and it looks like it's gonna be a good one! Someone gets called a child and someone else gets called a whore. Here we go. 

Cassandra got the first date, probably because JP recognizes that Michigan girls are the best kind. She has a son and is only 21! Their date starts with a drive in a jeep, then all of a sudden they are driving in the water, so I guess this jeep is like the Wild Thornberry's RV. Not a bad first date! Then they cook dinner together at his house and dance to Latin music. Jealous, Amy? Also they made out in the ocean. Also her baby is definitely some kind of ethnic. 

Renée, back at the house, continues to be the most socially graceful and nice contestant, also she is age appropriate for JP and a mom already, so she's my favorite. 

This is the photo quality that comes of phone blogging

The group date had a lot of people I can't remember, but not Elise and Chelsie or Claire and Kat. 

The group date is a soccer game: SURPRISE! Ali (the nanny) thinks she'll be the best. The 10 women have to split in two teams and play, so they get pretty competitive like winning will be the only way to marry JP. They were all provided with gold sports bras, which everyone knows enhance performance. Sharleen kept getting hit by th ball but took it like a champ. She's another favorite. 

Juan Pablo jersey in the background

Back at the house, Elise pretty much hates chelsie but pretends not to. She thinks she's getting the next one in one, which obviously means she won't. Chelsie does, more to come later. 

So the group date involved some drama at the end. JP kissed too many girls and they all think they've got the rose in the bag. Jokes on (most of) them. Nikki gets it! And the nurse didn't even have to stick her tongue in his mouth for it. 

For Chelsie's date, she had to "trust him," so she prepares by picking a pair of TOMs to wear. Elise still thinks he loves her, idiot. 

Elise talks to yet another woman about how secure her connection with JP is

Chelsie and JP get Venezuelan food and sky dive, which is pretty similar to every date I've ever been on. I think they had bubble tea, too! Just like Rachael! To test how much Chelsie trusts the man she just met a few weeks ago and who is dating 14 other women, JP throws her off a bridge. She passes and gets the rose. They also do some upside down snogging, Spider-Man style. 

After the usual 12 hour freak-out, they jump

Before the cocktail party, JP cooks the ladies breakfast and they have a little pool party and Kat puts JPs head in her crotch. Actually they just played chicken, so it was less gross than that. 

Well the rose ceremony had it's typical level of women complaining about not getting enough time and feeling insecure and to cut to the chase, Lucy and Christy go home. We will miss Lucy's free spirit, but probably not Christy because no one knew who she was anyway. I'm taking bets now to guess when Sharleen leaves

Well now I'm off to watch Denise play broom all, peace out!

Bachelor Sunday special with Morgan!

So it turns out that all of January/Juanuary there are special episodes if the bachelor on Sundays. This week is all about bachelor love stories and where are they now. Since most couples break up, this should be a short post.

1. Des and Chris: you might have forgotten because it was a pretty boring finale, but Des picked Chris (after crying for an hour because Brooks left). They live in Seattle and are getting a dog. That's it. 

2. Jason and Holly: I don't know who they are but they are married. It rained at their wedding. The have a daughter named Riley who is like 1 and adorable. Also Jason already had a kid, just like JP! They live in Seattle, too.

3. DeAnna: I guess she broke up with her man and has a new one. She is from an early season and I guess the contestants were uglier then because her man was bleh. Her current husband is the twin brother of a contestant from another season of the bachelorette, incest? They made a joke about Chris Harrison delivering their baby. At least I hope it was a joke. 

4. Ashley and JP: they feel like they've been together forever. He's Jewish. They're cute. They live in Princeton and she has baby fever!

5. Trista and Ryan: they've been married 10 years and are every other bachelor/ette's idols. They have 2 kids. He's a firefighter. When they renewed their vows he wore a paisley suit coat. Happy couples are boring, moving on. 

6. Sean and Catherine: don't believe this tabloid, they are still very much together. Sean tried to spin the story like he always liked Catherine best but I'm not buying it because he was all about Des and Tiara and basically everyone else. And she was probably in love with Leslie, who Ashley became good friends with in a Chicago bathroom. 

Sean is a born again virgin, which is an important detail of his life on this special. They are getting married next Sunday and they got to see the honeymoon suite aka the "consummation station." They are really excited to start their marriage in bed. 

Catherine is adorable and frolicked around the grounds. She's also pretty funny. 

Tomorrow is back to JP!

Love you Amy!

May the Odds be Ever in Your Favor

So Clare gets one-on-one date numero uno.  JP comes to pick her up at the mansion and takes her to the same place where he and Camila played in the snow.  It's now a romantically lit winter wonderland with a full blown ice rink, sledding, and a hot tub of course.  The good news is I kind of feel like I'm on the Bachelor since Blakely Court is also an ice rink these days.  Clare spends a really long time talking about her dad and JP gives her a rose.  Then music is suddenly playing!  They get out of the hot tub to find Josh Krajcik, whoever the heck that is, singing a private concert for them.  They dance and make out (duh) and it fake snows, which Clare is for some reason overly excited about.  Basically a normal bachelor date with minimal weirdness.  Back at the mansion, a bunch of the girls go in the pool.  Lucy (Lucinda) is topless obviously.  Also, Kat gets the second one-on-one date card.  

Kat is a dancer, and JP apparently lovesss dancers (I totally should have tried out for the show!).  They head to the airport and take a private jet to Utah.  JP pretends to be her seatbelt, so that's a little weird. Then they both change into light up outfits with light savers and lots of glowy things.  Turns out that they are going to a neon light up 5k run and they are the ones who start the race! But it's not reallyyyy a race because the whole crowd stops to dance every once in a while.  When they finally get to the end, there is a stage and JP and Kat are called up on it.  They dance some more and he gives her a rose.  No kissing though.

Group date time!  All the girls except for a few go to a warehouse for a photo shoot.  The guy in charge: a man with a turquoise beard.  The girls will be taking photos with dogs to help get them adopted.  Each girl is assigned a dog and then their costumes, hair, and makeup are done to match the dog.  Most girls are excited, but Elise and Andi get the shaft.  Their costumes are just cardboard signs covering their boobs and junk.  Both of them are super unexcited about this, and luckily Elise gets Lucy to trade her ketchup/fire hydrant costume for Elise's sign costume....since she is "happy to take off her top, as always" and then goes for a naked walk with her dog on the side of the road.  During the photo shoot, there are lots of yummy shots of shirtless JP ;)  But the best picture comes when JP agrees to be in the cardboard sign photo with Andi.  There is a whole series of pictures with totally naked Andi, JP, and Lucy all up against each other with their dogs.  Awkward...

Highlights from later in the group date:
*Cassandra tells JP she has a two year old son. She also keeps calling him Juan which I hate
*Victoria gets smashed and says she's gonna straddle JP every day because "life is about straddling people". Also, she "gave Juan Pablo the hymen maneuver"and saved his life??  She starts screaming and says she wants to leave...and lucky for her, JP sends her home the next morning.  Smart man.
*Renee wants to kiss JP but doesn't.  But she gets points for being nice and taking care of psycho Victoria while she's having her drunken meltdown
*Nikki, the peds nurse, is obviously awesome
*Kelly gets the rose

The "hymen maneuver"

And at the cocktail hour...
*JP talks to all the girls who didn't get a date
*Amy does another interview about herself
*Charlene apologizes for being rude when he gave her the first impression rose
*Cassandra is sad because she misses her son, but Renee reassures her and they bond over their mommyness.  I really like Renee...probably more than Nikki even though she's not a nurse

And the rose ceremony...
*Amy and Chantel go buh-bye

Whew! Someone else's turn for week 3!

It's Juan-uary...and the drama begins

Alrighty well it's another 2 day long episode.  They really need to stop doing that since I don't have cable and always end up watching 4 hours worth of Bachelor in one sitting the next day.

Let's start with the "behind the scenes" episode.  Chris Harrison and JP visit viewing parties blah blah blah same old, same old.  But this boring beginning is made up for by the fact that JP and Camila later play in fake snow and go ice skating together! Camila has never seen snow before so she is adorable when she gets to experience it for the first time...and I kinda fall in love with JP whenever he's with/talks about his daughter.  

If I didn't already have a Mac, this would make me buy one

After this, the girls pretend to like each other and have fun at the mansion while JP catches up with Sean and Catherine.  I'm still angry he didn't pick Des, but I guess they're a little cute.  They're either getting married in January or June...it was unclear.  Following a few scenes of girls crying because they got sent home on the first day comes the fun part:  sneak peak at the Drama Causers.

1) Victoria: Married when she was 18 and now divorced.  Says guys her age can't relate to her and are like "you're so pretty...let's sleep together".  Thinks she has a lot in common with JP because she can recite a bunch of common knowledge facts about him.

2) Lucinda: "It just feels good to be naked." Need I say more?? But really, she's weird.  I'm pretty sure she thinks she's a fairy or something.

3) Elyse: Her mom died of melanoma a while ago.  Sad right? But (of course there's a but) turns out her mom wrote a letter about her to submit to the Bachelor before she died.  Whyyyyyy???

4) Amy: Not too bad.  She did a fake newscast about herself looking for love, but whatever.

5) Clare: Part Mexican. Dad died of brain cancer.  He made a DVD before he died for her future husband to watch.  These parents really have no faith in their children to do things on their own.  

Well that's all I've got for tonight.  Stay tuned for Week 2 Part 2 in the next couple days. <3 Ash

There and Back Again: A Bachelor's Tale

Somewhat embarrassingly, CART house follows The Bachelor/Bachelorette kind of intensely. Sometimes our friends watch with us and participate when we make brackets to bet on who is going to win. One of those friends is Amy. On the last season of The Bachelorette, there was a bachelor that Amy particularly liked. His name was Juan Pablo, and the reason that she liked him so much was because he is Latino and that's a thing that she's into. CRT also liked him, although Ashley didn't so much because for some reason his accent bothered her a lot. Sadly, Juan Pablo did not win Des's heart, but less sadly, he is now going to embark on a love journey of his own, as he is the bachelor (Bachelor?) this season! Because Amy is off adventuring in Latin America, CART is going to blog the show for her and keep her filled in.

(I don't know why I am explaining this. The odds that anyone who doesn't know all of this is reading this blog are slim to none, with an emphasis on the none.)

Without any further ado, let's get started!

On The Bacheor, it is considered a sign of success to receive a rose.

They started off with an episode called "The Countdown to Juan Pablo," which was code for "We just threw together some clips of shit because let's face it, you're kind of pathetic for watching this show in the first place and we know you'll watch this too." And they were right, I did! Ostensibly, the show was supposed to introduce you to the contestants and also tell you a little bit more about JP, but it mostly didn't tell me anything I didn't already know and I can't remember the names of any of the women who are going to be on the show. In the spirit of making this blog post meaningful, however, here are the things that I got from watching:

But then we knew that already.

1. Many of the women who applied to be on the show were crazy people.

2. Juan Pablo can pull off wearing pink shorts without appearing homosexual--props, bro.

3. Someone that Juan Pablo is related to (his sister?) and who Skyped into their family party is pregnant, and he's pretty pumped about it. Go her!

4. Juan Pablo really likes his daughter, Camila.

5. Juan Pablo doesn't really have a type--he has dated a variety of girls with different colors of hair and different professions, such as DJ, model, actress, and teacher. Which to me says I still have a chance, because I'm a teacher and I have hair.

Juan Pablo has 98% less boob, though.

6. Juan Pablo has been brushing up on his English, including his accent, and when he tries to say things without his accent he sounds like that Episode of Modern Family where Sophia Vergara tries not to have an accent. I like it.

7. Someone who was on the Bachelor before who was named Gia died in 2013. They had a segment about how people were sad and they remembered her. At first I wasn't sure how she died, but then at the end they had a suicide prevention hotline number, so it was probably that. It was a dark turn for the episode to take at the very end.




Anyway, that's about it. I will watch the premier tomorrow and will blog about that too. Hopefully there will be more exciting things that happen!