Life in the Bachelor Lane

Hello everyone, and welcome to Week 4 of The Bachelor! It was quite a wild ride, so buckle in and hold onto your teeth. Juan Pablo started off the episode by announcing that they were all going to South Korea! How exciting! This seems a little bit early for an international trip to me, but maybe they're making an exception for Juan Pablo because he's foreign and they're confused about what that means for the rules about when to go abroad.

This is where Korea is, for those who are geographically challenged. South Korea is fine to go to, but you don't want to make a mistake and end up in North Korea on accident. Unless you bring Dennis Rodman with you.

The announcement that this week there would be two group dates and one solo date was also made. One of the group dates was announced first. This week, JP decided to split the group mostly into blondes and brunettes, and the blondes got the first date. Nikki, Kat, Cassandra, Chelsie, and some other people I don't remember went on this date. Nikki was upset about being on the group date because she doesn't have a sister and so naturally that means that she hates all women. The clue to the date was "POP," which led Cassandra to speculate that maybe they were going to make popcorn, but SURPRISE, actually they were learning how to dance with the K-Pop group 2ne1.

They are sort of like the Korean Spice Girls--from left to right: Brown, Goth, Technicolor, and Cutout Spice.

Juan Pablo claimed that K-Pop is taking over American, which must mean that this was filmed when "Gangnam Style" was popular, because I can't think of any other reason that he would make that comment. Anyway, the dancing was a source of upset to Nikki because she is not a good dancer, and this also added on to her general grumpiness. (Although, to be fair, I also would not want to be on a date that highlighted how completely uncoordinated I am.) Kat was super excited though. She said that she has been dancing since before she could even walk--she was doing the Worm as a baby, maybe? She bragged non-stop about what a good dancer she is and everyone ignored the fact that Cassandra used to be an NBA dancer and is also probably pretty good. Afterwards, the group went to a 2ne1 concert and got to dance onstage even though let's be real, none of the screaming fans of 2ne1 knew who Juan Pablo or any of the girls are.

They had the concert at a mall, leading my dad and I to argue about whether the concert was free or not. Please vote on this issue in order to help us solve the debate.

During the evening part of the date, Nikki threw shade all over Kat for being a fancy-pants show off dancer. Even though everyone agreed that Kat was annoying, for some reason they all banded together against Nikki and now everyone thinks that she is the Negative Nancy of the group. Kat was oblivious to all of this because she was off macking on JP at the time.

"Hi, I'm Nikki the elf fairy and I will mess you up if you dance too good."

In spite of the general consensus of the girls that Nikki was a downer, Juan Pablo is his own man, he makes his own opinions, and he gave Nikki the rose for the night, so she will live to see another week.

Next, we had the solo date--Sharleen got picked this week. In classic Sharleen style, she seemed remarkably un-excited about this. I mean, come on, the girl responded "...sure" when JP asked if she would accept the first impression rose. I can't decide if I like Sharleen. She's pretty much the first girl in Bachelor history to decide that she needs to get to know the bachelor before declaring her undying love for him, but also she's just really bland--which is ironic, because she made this big speech to Juan Pablo about how he is NOT bland and then had to explain to him what bland means.

Anyways, their date was fine, except for the minor speed bump of her having to awkwardly explain that she feels semi-uncomfortable with the fact that he has a daughter. She got a rose at the end of the night, too.

Sharleen sings opera, but did not wear this costume when she sang for JP on their date.

Finally, we had the second group date. This date was mostly the brown haired ladies--people I can remember include Renee, Lauren, Andi, Kelly, and Clare. They walked around in Seoul and just kind of investigated a market. Everyone agreed that Clare is really annoying and possessive of Juan Pablo. She also had a panic attack when they tried octopus--which, really? Octopus isn't even that weird of a food. They also went to one of those places where you stick your feet in water and little fish come and eat all of your dead skin. In a octopus v. dead foot skin challenge, I would eat octopus every time.

During the evening portion of the date, we got to see that while the blonde girls were mostly unwilling to trash talk about Kat, the brunettes were super willing to trash talk about Clare. Kelly and Andi did fun impersonations of Clare freaking out about the octopus. Then they immediately cut to Clare talking to Juan Pablo and saying, "Oh my God, I ate octopus!" which was pretty good editing if you ask me.

Juan Pablo had arbitrarily decided that he wasn't going to kiss anyone on this night, either because 1) There was someone specific he didn't want to kiss and thought it would be easier to just say he wasn't kissing anyone? or 2) He felt like being sadistic and making everyone freeaaaaak out about it. Either way, he shut down Renee and Lauren hardcore when they tried to kiss him, and then went ahead and kissed Clare anyway, AFTER she told him that the octopus had caused her to throw up in her mouth and then swallow it back down. WTH JP? She also started talking about her dad because apparently her dead father is her go-to conversation topic.

"Hi, I'm Clare, and the only things I talk about are my father and throw up."

At the end of this night, Andi got the rose. I like Andi, so I was satisfied that Juan Pablo's taste in women isn't 100% crap.

Finally, we had the cocktail party. All of the girls with roses agreed that they would back off and let the girls without roses get their crack at Juan Pablo, but then--scandal--Nikki talked to him anyway. This caused people to dislike her even more. She is quickly turning into the Tiara of this season. (Sorry, Ashley, I know you like her because she's a nurse.)

Nikki responded to all the haters with the same two things that all reality show villains say:

1) They are just threatened by me.
2) I'm not here to make friends.

Whatever, girl, I get you, but at least be original.

At the rose ceremony, Lauren and Elise went home. Bye-bye girls! My bets are that Danielle and Allison go home next because I literally don't think I've ever heard either of them talk.

Last but not least, Juan Pablo announced that they were leaving South Korea behind for Vietnam. We will see what happens there next week!

I'm sensing an Asian theme.